In the spirit of defying gender roles and all that progressive stuff, I thought we’d talk a little bit about men wearing jewellery. That’s right, boys: nowadays, it’s totally okay to bling it out – to wear all those ices, or whatever it is the kids are saying these days.
In general, I’m totally supportive of man jewellery...with One. Key. Exception. As a rule, men need to not wear chain necklaces. I do not know where this trend originated, but men of the world, listen: we girls will not offer up our vaginas to men who wear chains (in fact, personally, the look often makes me vomit a little bit in my mouth). The neck-chain is the physical manifestation of sleaziness, sliminess, and every other adjective one might use to describe the cast of the Jersey Shore. I’d say it also contains an unfortunate essence of Ron Jeremy and every other porn star that’s ever sported the moustache/mullet combo. Plus, a neck-chain doesn’t just imply ample chest hair; it practically guarantees it. LOSE THE NECK-CHAIN.
Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll admit that not all man jewellery is terrible. A lot of it’s really cool. On the right man – namely those who can rock a permanent five o’clock shadow – an eyebrow ring can be really sexy. I think a silver bracelet is the new girly-coloured t-shirt, in terms of showcasing a man’s confidence in his masculinity (that’s right men, no one gives a shit anymore that you’re brave enough to wear a pink polo shirt). And how about men who wear cufflinks? Well, to be honest, to this day I’m not entirely sure what a cufflink looks like...or does...or on what part of the body one might wear a cufflink...but I’m told that the cufflink-wearer is the ultimate chupacabra of man jewellery-wearers.
Perhaps I will encounter one of these mythical items of bling one day. But until then...I’ll stick with my boyfriend’s Timex.