Victor Padula Real Advice For Fake People: Insecure Lovers

Modern life sure can be confusing, what with all the stuff and the things. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with your life. I know there are a lot of great people you can lean on for support out there, but sometimes Dr. Phil is on reruns and the stripper giving you a lap dance is just too coked out to offer you her usually profound insights into the rich subtleties of the human experience. In times like this, just come looking for your old buddy Victor Padula, he’ll sort you real out good.

Dear Vic, I've been with my girlfriend for over three years now. I'm always telling her I love herbut she says I don't show it enough. Any thoughts? -Rick, Oshawa, Ontario.

Dear Rick, jesus. If I had the answer to that question I probably wouldn't be sitting up alone writing an advice column at two in the morning. I don’t know if I can give you the advice you’re looking for. I do however have an overwhelming number of insights into things you might consider avoiding in your quest to reassure your insecure lover that she’s the only one for you. You’re gonna need all the help you can get, because I think you and I both know that she’s not.

If I had to boil it all down to one single piece of advice it would be this: when looking for creative ways to express your love, be as discerning as possible when using that stereo-over-the-head move John Cusack made famous in the classic 80s movie Say Anything. The first time you try it she'll forgive you for sure— no matter what you did with whose sister. Unfortunately, this extraordinarily theatrical display of affection has almost zero impact the second time around. If you make it to round five you're either dating a total emotional pushover or a huge John Cusack fan.

Whichever the case, it's probably a good time for you to consider ending this whole crusade to express your love and replace it with a crusade to express brooding contempt. Continue this until your relationship inevitably implodes from the sheer weight of your own self-loathing for staying with a chick who’s capable of having any room in her heart for the man who brought us 2012 and Addicted to Love. I know he’s made a couple good movies over the years, but I’m sure even Hitler knocked out a good painting every now and then. I think the point I’m trying to make is... aw hell I lost my train of thought.


A little fact about electronic cigarettes Legally you can smoke electronic cigarettes anywhere however final say will always come to the owner of the establishment.

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