Victor Padula Real Advice for Fake People: What's In a Name?

Dear Vic, I’m about to start my first full time gig teaching phys-ed at a private all boys high school. Do you think I should consider changing my name? -Ed Cockburn.

Dear Ed,
We all know that being a kid isn’t easy. This is especially the case when the kid in question is an overweight asthmatic who’s flunking gym class. Oftentimes, the only thing that can save an unfortunately proportioned little dude from a creative array of tortures and humiliations is his ability to crack-wise.

Another thing that we all know is this: cocks are hilarious. This is especially true when they’ve been bruised, smashed, or otherwise mutilated. It probably goes without saying, but the ‘burnt’ cock is right at the top of Maslow’s lesser known pyramid: The Pyramid of Awesomely Funny Things That Can Happen to Cocks. I mean the possibilities are endless: are we talking about a literal burn or does the guy have the clap? Could it possibly be a rope burn owing to certain popular gym class activities? Did it burn off, leaving a little, ashy stump of a wang? — I could go on forever here but I think you get my point.

In all seriousness Ed, if you change your name you might as well go beat up all those sad little fat kids yourself. Is that the kinda guy you are Ed, huh? You like to beat up little fat kids? Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do. You are a gym teacher, and gym teachers are usually just the jocks who weren’t good enough to go pro and lacked any other real life skills. You know what? You should change your name. Then you can vicariously relive your glory days as you watch all those 14-year-old future versions of you beat on fatties.

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