Joe Thomson The Real Five People you Meet in Heaven

God: Duh! You obviously have to meet the big guy. Although he’s not an actual person he takes the form of one, and is sadly not as attractive as you would think.  He’s middling attractive, which has given him a bit of a complex.  He’s shifty-eyed and looks at the ground a lot while putting himself down.  All of this leaves you a little unsettled, but he is God-the man with the plan.

Hitler: Shocking, amiright? He’s actually a really sweet guy once you get to know him.  Most people know about the Jew killing and tyranny, but what they don’t know is Hitler’s actually a really good listener.  The two of you will chat about life and love and you’ll pick up some sage advice along the way.  But still, the holocaust is a major strike against him…Oh what the hell, he gives a good foot massage.

Freddy Mercury: Don’t worry - you can’t catch AIDS in heaven! This flamboyant front man will be your tour guide in heaven. You’ll be happy to know his legendary mustache is intact, but for some reason he takes the form of frail, dying Freddy Mercury from his last months, a depressing development that makes the tour around heaven a little less exciting.  We’ll have to have God look into this.

Your creepiest gradeschool teacher: That’s right, the teacher who creeped you out the most will be your personal tutor in heaven.  He will lecture while staring at you licentiously, help you with your homework by getting way too close and breathing heavily all over you, and give you shoulder rubs that are anything but gentle.  He tells you your French kissing lessons begin tomorrow…

O.J Simpson:  OK, this is getting a little strange.  The Juice? Really?  This guy murdered his wife and some waiter AND stole sports memorabilia. How did he get in?  Well the answer is, he’s a very good cook (his frittatas are legendary).  And even though he insists on cutting up all the ingredients with the same knife he used to stab his wife, you can’t argue with the results.  “This steak is cooked perfectly, O.J.” you say cautiously.  He just stares at you sullenly as you eat every meal, knife in hand, bloody glove on.  Heaven isn’t exactly the most comfortable place, you think to yourself.

It’s only after you meet these people that you realize the true nature of heaven.  God is a meek pushover who will let almost anyone in.  You’re not in heaven - you’re at party thrown by a self-conscious nerd who’s too afraid to say no to anyone.  This is your fate, spending eternity with a bunch of creeps and murderers? Ugh, God is such a pussy!


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