Michael Turnbull The Reason Classics Suck Dick

Ever have your friends tell you that 'that's a classic man' and you don't agree? Good, neither do I.

Let me tell you one thing: classics are just nostalgia-filled sacks of shit that people liked when they were young and dumb, which gives them some sense of entitlement to property they don't own. Old things all suck. Now I'm not gonna say that everything new is good, cuz it isn't, but there was just as much bad shit in the 'golden days' as there is now: plenty of it. It just so happens that there wasn't enough money lying around to make all the shit as popular as what became "classic."

Classic is just an arbitrary term for what most people spent their money on in any given time. Guns and Roses? That's a classic man! They totally made money during their prime man, totally classic. Guns and Roses are terrible! Have you even listened to a record of theirs without being high as fuck on heroin? Of course not. And for the cats that think 'classic rock' is awesome it's only because your baby booming parents force-fed it to you when you were too young to know better. Did you discover Led Zeppelin on your own? No you dumb fuck! I bet you couldn't even take the time to at least listen to a GOOD prog rock album from that era. Anyone familiar with 'The Court of the Crimson King?' of course not, cuz you're all beating off to Ozzy Osborne.

We overuse the word 'classic.' My favourite use of it is when a movie cover says "Instant Classic!" and I wanna just fucking rip it apart. Who does that? 10 years later and not a soul would purchase 'Lost in Space.' Instant Classics are just shitty movies wrapped up in pretty packaging.

Classic is just a word stolen from a meaningful Mediterranean term that suggests the study of ancient human life. Oh, you didn't know that? Classic mistake. See, advertising knows this, and we totally stole that word and used it to sell records and define genres and resurrect old books, video games and whatever else. It's a term redesigned to allow the sales of shitty bands like The Rolling Stones to go on forever. Classic Rock, what fucking bullshit. You make me want to kill myself.

I'm not suggesting that all things old, or defined 'classic' are shit. Though most is. But just let me request one thing of you. Don't rewatch movies or relisten to albums or replay games nostalgically. Start it again and go, if I played this TODAY, would I enjoy this? Tell yourself the truth, because when you lie to yourself you get fat.

You will be shocked at how much shit you'll throw out.

Comments

Classic in terms of the modern era refers to content that is meaningful and relevant to a culture or many cultures, long past the time it was originally released to the public.

The reason why a band like Led Zeppelin, or a movie like "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Planet of the Apes" can be considered classic, is because they have unique content that one can look back on with reverence... because if it weren't for "that movie" or "this album" or "these books", the present might be wholly different.

So many people were... and ARE... inspired by Jimmy Page's musical ability. Where would modern electric guitar pioneers be without him? The Edge? Jack White? Both were inspired by him.

Fuck off!

It would probably have to Whole lotta Love by: Zeppelin. Im not sure if U2 ctouns as classic rock they are pretty good. But you cant go wrong with rock on by:david essex!

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