Paul Parillo The SANS guide to drinking wine

Lifestyle “news” articles are fun to read. One rarely learns a darn thing and yet the information still seems somewhat important; it’s fluff material, usually, but alas, it’s entertaining – even if not for its intended purpose. A recent column I read was a “how-to” guide on drinking wine for beginners; all the specifically designed practices and procedures enabling you to look like a pro while enjoying some vino in front of your friends. There were parts I didn’t agree with so here’s my version – the SANS guide to drinking wine:

For most people, wine can be rather perilous to the uninitiated. What, with the many different grape varieties, food pairings and geography, choosing the right wine for an occasion can be stressful – especially when you’ve got friends to impress.

Rule #1, don’t be a fucking pussy. You’ve got two choices: Red or White. Blush wines are made from the bloody tears of freshly battered orphans, so if you’ve got no moral or ethical compass, then go ahead and bring a blush wine to a dinner party you godless serial killer. Red meats, red wine, white meats, white wine - done. And forget what kind of grape it is because grape is just one letter short of being a punishable crime – and two letters short of being the animal that eventually takes over the human race. So again, Red or White.

Rule # Go blow yourself. You should not give two shits about where it comes from – if you did a blind taste tests with your friends to see who preferred what over what and from where, they wouldn’t have a goddamn clue! And if they did, they’re either really pretentious to begin with or incredibly hard working and focused on a relatively rewarding past-time. I always choose vintage Italian simply because I’ve got Italian blood and the cute little pink vintage sticker looks beautifully professional. No one’s ever second guessed my choice whenever I’ve stuck to that easy equation.

Rule # 34, if it holds liquid, you can drink from it. I’ve seen a guy drink wine out of a severed cat’s dick just because he could. Sure, the wine glass looks nice, but I would think wary of any friend too good to drink out of nothing but. Oh, and don’t fill the glass to the top, it’s not grape juice – also, you’ll be pretty drunk by the time you need a refill, so don’t be a wet blanket and fill it up right.

Wine = easy. I told you.

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