Hannah Star Save me from the Salvation Army

Talk to any well-dressed hipsters or indie darlings about where they buy their clothes and you’re bound to get the same answers every time: “thrift stores” or “Salvo” (short for Salvation Army...are you cringing? You should be). So what do you do if you’re like me? You’re into the look, but not into wearing used clothes. I secretly worry that the hipster community of the world might collectively shun me if it was ever to find out that my oversized plaid shirt and dark skinny jeans both came from – hipsters, please stop reading now – American Eagle.

Listen, all you thrift-store-shopping Wall Street-occupiers out there: I’m really sorry for supporting the big clothing corporations and everything, but the idea of wearing somebody else’s old clothes is kind of disgusting. Let’s take used shoes, for example. Did you know that on average, human feet produce ONE CUP OF SWEAT PER DAY? I don’t ever want to touch strangers’ sweaty feet, and I certainly don’t want to insert my own feet into the pair of boots that spent years soaking up Billy Joe’s daily cup of foot sweat. Used pants are also pretty icky. I don’t think I could comfortably wear a pair of pants that I knew used to enclose somebody else’s vagina. And somebody else’s farts. I don’t want to sound pretentious; I could rationalize purchasing used clothing if I really needed to save money, but it would never be my first choice in my pursuit of fashion.

I’ve also got an issue with fashionable hipster kids doing all their shopping at the Salvation Army. Sorry, but I’m pretty sure the Salvation Army exists so that low-income families can have access to affordable clothing, NOT so that you can maintain your ironic sense of style. I would hate to “ironically” buy a winter jacket from the Salvation Army for the sake of hipster fashion, only to find out that I deprived somebody of the only jacket he or she could afford.

So thanks for the invitation to join you for coffee, cigarettes, a poetry reading, and a trip to the thrift store, but would you mind just dropping me off at the mall?


Uneducated writing at its finest. The profits from people buying clothes at the Salvation Army are given to people in need. It funds their homeless shelters and programs. So, I encourage you to help out the needy and shop at a Salvation Army.

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