Jenderbender The Saxophone: Nature's Sexiest Instrument

Picture it- you're walking home, heavy and innutritious groceries in hand. The steady hum of normality is at work as the cars roll by the well-shaven panhandlers. One step follows another as you zigzag around the hubris of a lost generation. 

Then it happens.

First you notice the ground begin to vibrate- the steady sound of bongos gaining on your conscience, as an unmarked white van gains on your innocent cadence. Then suddenly without warning, and not unlike the flash of a pedophile, the solo of a saxophone enters the airwaves, penetrating your body as if you were a coctail waitess at a prison rodeo.

The urge is too much to bear as gravity wins the battle between your arms and the groceries. Glass containers shatter all around you like brandy glasses thrown into a raging fireplace, opening a floodgate of liquids that ooze and seep their way into the depths of the sewers. You come to, trembling while lying on the ground. Your perspiration lubricating relaity. The sun sets into the horizon as the van speeds off, and all is well in the world once again. What has happened? You wonder. Well I'll tel you: You have just experienced the sexy solo of a saxophone. 

There's nothing like a saxophone solo, just like there's nothing like Tahiti Treat. Both a lost art, but unmistakible in their effects on the human body. Sciency reports by, like, totally real scientists, conclude that saxophones can induce epileptic-like dancing, the intense fondling of one's breasts, acute pelvic thrusting that requires chiropractic intervention, and the need to tear your clothes off immediately- and inapproprately- at questionable times. When the saxophone solo is welcomed with both open arms and legs, baby Jesus will come down from heaven, hit it from the back, and call you the next day to tell you how you've turned him out forever. It's pure science, obviously.

Those who have tried to resist our hard-wired response to such harmonical glory have withered away into nothingness. They never found true love, everyone at their high school reunion laughed at them, and they developed gangrene in their left foot and died of septicemia. Those who survive such chaos may never have been human to begin with. Make no mistake however, the only way to survive an encounter with a saxophone solo is to let it have its way with you- understanding that just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, is not, and will not be an accurate description of what is to come.

Savants versed in the ancient art of saxophone seduction transcend human status. Their long unruly hair harbours the secrets to life- and the smell of malt liqour. These truly special individuals surpass human failings, weilding genius tact in taming the dragon that is the saxophone solo. These are more of these people in existence than we know, but they may not be aware of the power they harbour. Revelation comes through the marriage of mouth, soul, and mind with the saxophone. Do you think you have what it takes to tame the beast? Do you want to touch a rainbow? D you want to put the wind in your pocket? The world needs more of those brave few to step forward. Our progressions as a society depends on it.

Saxophone solos are known for a lot of things (encouraging population growth, culturing drunken demographics, etc.), but nothing can outshine their ability to induce a spectrum of mindblowing eargasms at unpredictable times. Like the adolescent who, despite his insatiable boners gives all his class presentations in finely-milled sweatpants, the sexual call of the saxophone solo does not apologize. It waits for no one. More importantly, saxophones don't take shit from anyone. Their sexual prowress is insurmountable. Flutes dabble in poorly timed felacio, clarinets are unable to shut up about that saucy cat lurking in the bushes, and the electric guitar clumsily struggles to undo your bra clasps, but the saxophone walks in and puts it on you like a G baby nice and slow. By the end of the dance, you realize you may have tatsed the sun, and that you are more than likely pregnant.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a call to action. We must work together in reducing the stigma that sourrounds the saxophone solo, and pay respect to its inborn ability to sex us up. Ignoring its cacpcity to do so will only hurt us, and the strength of our eargasms. Do want to be responsible for that?

 

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