What do sleep apnea, sleep paralysis, and sleep walking have in common? Firstly, all the phrases start with the word “sleep”, but secondly (and most importantly) they’re all lamer than Stephen Hawking’s spinal cord in comparison to a lesser known sleeping disorder. “Sleep sex” or otherwise known as “sexsomnia” has only recently (within the last ten years or so) been medically and scientifically recognized and diagnosed as a legitimate form of parasomnia. And aside from the odd “sleep rape," the condition remains the most “pimpest” way to get the recommended 7-8 hours of sleep a night.
Can you imagine how much better of an individual you’d be if your sleep disorder wasn’t peeing the bed, but engaging in sexual activity while you slept? Even if your partner lost sleep and potentially became incredibly annoyed, the level of “badassness” completely transcends any negativity.
On average, a person may think about sex every 3-5 seconds while they’re awake – a statistic that can’t help but reveal every human’s animalistic condition. Sex on the mind happens so frequently, that it’s amazing more arrests haven’t been made for banging a stranger in public. So imagine a condition where even as you lay your head to rest, your sleeping mind would find a way to “get some”. It makes one wonder about the obvious importance of sex in a human being’s life – it’s easy to imagine all the relationships that have become broken or mended simply due to failing or blossoming sexuality.
Whenever I hear someone use the totally fallacious argument that “life is not fair”, I can’t help but picture all the virgins in the world who tirelessly try to get laid – but always seem to end up alone in bed, gently crying under the sheets until the sun rises and a new day of searching begins. Nothing seems more unfair than as those virgins sleep, thousands of people around the world are enjoying something I like to call “the reproductive organ friction train”. And if it couldn’t get any sadder, the individuals with “sexomnia” generally don’t remember the interaction anyways.
Poor ole’ virgins – your day will come my friends, your day will come.