Paul Parillo Sexual Blunders*

Hmmm, I read an interesting article today about sexual blunders. Things like using real handcuffs, having sex in water, incorporating food etc. Yeah, technically you could call them blunders - if you're a fucking amateur. Blunders, to me, at least as far as sex goes, could be a lot worse - in fact, I would pray for the aforementioned mishaps if it meant the truly unfortunate scenarios wouldn't take place.  

Example one: It's late on a Saturday night - you've had one to many black russians (either the drink OR the race of human) and now you have a hankering for a prostitute. The big chested blonde named "Starlight" shows up to your house, and after bragging about your collection of phallic shaped sweet potatoes, she takes off her pants revealing a penis rivalling any trophy spud. But since the transaction has been made and you're a frugal fella, you drunkenly decide to use your rectum as the "deep fryer" and make the most delicious fries no one ever wants to taste. 

Example two: Being the rebellious couple you are, the decision is made to enjoy some genital "hanky panky" under the confines of a warm blue ocean. Apprehensive but careful, upon agreeing that no one will see the godlessness taking place under water, you become comfortable and on the road to enjoyment. Unfortunately, the one thing you forgot to check for were sharks - and this particular one is an adorned priest and hates pre-martial sex (they can smell it). She's torn away from your arms like butter out of a gloryhole and before you barely have anytime to react, her half eaten torso floats lifelessly to the surface of the bloody water. It truly is a sad moment, but since your erection has somehow maintained, it's only fair you finish what you started. Two minutes later, onlookers notice the bloody water and your lifeless girlfriend - and thankfully you've finished so now you can act all scared and angry at the world.

Example three: Sex between the two of you has become uninteresting and mundane - so to combat this common ailment, your girlfriend suggests a new sex game to liven the experience. The game is called "Sex in the Dark". It's really simple - all you do is turn all the lights off in the house, undress and carefully look for each other until one of you makes the find; it's all about anticipation. You start the game and everything is going well, that is, until you hear your girlfriend screaming! She's forgotten today is the family reunion and all of her relatives have shown up in the front room wondering why their most innocent family member is stark naked. Unfortunately, you don't find out until you show up in the room as well, to which you see at least twenty people, of all ages, staring at you and your girlfriend's privates. Oh man, how embarrassing, but wait, it gets worse. Infuriated, the father of your girlfriend starts punishing her by spanking her bottom relentlessly. Naturally you run to her aid but are stopped by one of her larger and more fowl of uncles. Her father looks at you with a hate unbeknownst to man and instructs his large brothers to bend you over for a spanking too. Your hopeless pleas fall on deaf ears, and the last thing you see before passing out due to embarrassment is the ninety year old grandmother fisting her old batcave while pissing mercilessly on her blind grandson "Kevin".

At least the article I read wasn't about sexual "blenders", haha am I right?

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