I like to think of myself as a good girlfriend, but certainly not so good that I’m above dragging my significant other to every shitty movie that gets released. My favorite movies to drag him to are the Planet Earth movies that get released every year on Earth Day. First there was Planet Earth, then Oceans (which he literally slept through.), then African Cats, and now this year, even though he is now my ex, I have made arrangements to drag him to see Chimpanzee. I’m sure many of you, like him, have been forced to sit through seemingly endless hours of watching animals snuggle on a giant screen, and are wondering why the fuck your girlfriend likes to torture you this way. Well honey, here’s why:
Reason #1: We cannot see these movies with our girlfriends. Why, you might ask? Well, you know when you’re with a group of people, and one person says something funny and starts laughing, and all of a sudden you’re all laughing uncontrollably and you can’t stop? (If you can actually picture this, you have such happy friends!) Well it works the same way with a group of girls and crying. Once one starts, everyone follows and suddenly we’re a sobbing pack of raccoons, it’s embarrassing. When we’re around our guy we’re able to cry those really cute tears. You know the ones: we sniffle a little bit and teardrops roll down our cheeks one at a time, not messing up our makeup. We look fucking adorable.
Reason #2: If we have to see a cute, tiny monkey being separated from its family, you better be there and heartbroken with us. There’s no way you’re allowed to go and have fun and laugh while we’re watching a pack of hyenas snatching up some baby leopards. If we’re miserable, you’d better be miserable too. That’s Relationship Rule #1, didn’t you know?
Reason #3: These movies open our eyes to some of the terrible things that are happening around the world. Now it’s your duty, as our man, to tell us all of the ways you’re going to fix these problems so that we feel better. You could totally take advantage of this; the more heroic you seem, the more likely you are to get laid.
Reason #4: Ummm, who else is going to pay for our ticket and Sour Patch Kids?