Hana Shafi Single Gal Grievances*

Here’s my guilty confession: I’m a sucker for a cute couple doing all kinds of quaint, quirky crap on their dates. Glow-in-the-dark mini-golf and eating ice cream under trees and that kind of adorable stuff. And when my friends share a bit of the really sweet romantic side of their relationship, I gush a little. There, I said it. 

But once date-time is over and my friend’s anecdote is complete, I go back to finding couples bizarre as hell and, let’s be honest, really fucking annoying so much of the time. Call me a bitter single bitch, but take the time to do some National Geographic-style observations of couples in a party setting and you’ll see what I mean.

You can’t talk to one of them without talking to the other. They stick to each other like that silly putty you used to get in birthday party loot bags. The large group of talking, mingling people makes an eerie transition to a paired-off ghost-town. Each couple becomes completely absorbed in themselves and will only communicate with another couple using terms like “we” and “us” instead of “I.” 

Then, once communication can no longer suffice, the PDA starts. Do whatever you want in the bedroom, be kinky as hell, just get freaky, alright?! But if I’m talking to you, I don’t wanna see your boyfriend nibbling your fucking ear or sensually stroking your hair. It’s really distracting, a bit weird, and I feel like I’m intruding on an intimate moment even though we’re all in a public social setting. 

Go ahead and be madly in love and she’s the only girl in the room you can see and it’s like the whole world is just us and blah blah, but please, socialize, separate, float through the room a bit without being tethered to each other. Calm down, you’ll get your alone time soon enough. 

Perhaps I’m just a lonely cynical spinster... Nope, fuck that. Couples can go from adorable to annoying in an instant. C’mon single people, we’re all thinking it. 

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.