Jennifer Rose When You're Old: Going Out

When did we all get so old? No really, this is a legitimate question. Any ideas can be submitted below in the comments section. 

I was sitting at home on a fine Thursday evening, watching The Mentalist and drinking my iced tea when I had a thought: "Tomorrow, I am going to put on a tiny dress, go out, get mangled drunk, and dance like a moron." In the same moment, I realized I am old. 

Young people don't say these things to themselves, they live in tiny dresses, smelling of peach schnapps and herpes. Hell, on a Thursday evening, young people are already out, getting wasted, making out with strangers, humping on anything with a designer t-shirt. 

When you're 20, Friday nights require three steps:

1. Send out a "tonight?" text to your "bitches"

2. Put on a cute dress

3. Get crunk

Once you've aged slightly, there are a few more steps:

1. Have the aforementioned, "I should go out" revelation, preferably on a Wednesday or Thursday night

2. Text your single friends (the ones that aren't married, shacked up or responsible for a tiny human), which is probably, like, two. 

3. Hope like hell that they are free

4. Have a fifteen minute phone conversation, during which location, pros and cons, how much booze you will need and why exactly it is that you're going out are discussed

5. Find something to wear that doesn't say "I ate half a pizza for lunch"

6. Get moderately crunk, because you have a brunch tomorrow with your sister and her husband


Dude, I got bills, and a job, and like, a really comfy bed. I'm all for getting wasted, but you won't catch me fist pumping to whatever it is the kids fist pump to these days, or ever again (probably). 

But sometimes, every once and a while, on a blue moon maybe, I need an entire bottle of gin, a tiny dress, and an unwarranted advance from a 21 year old frat boy with a pizza tattoo. Is that really too much to ask for? 


Do more coke

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