Joe Thomson A sociopath's guide to funerals

We all have friends that come and go out of our lives. Sometimes they exit our lives forever, by dying.  This selfish act is almost always “celebrated” with something called a funeral. Funerals are horribly boring and focus much of the attention you have worked so hard to gain from friends an family, on someone who can’t even appreciate it.  So here are a few tips to surviving a funeral.

First and foremost, you need to work on your crying. I know this will be hard, but practice makes perfect. Avoid anything that makes you laugh for a few days.  Going to the park to see kids fall down may seem like harmless fun, but these joyous activities could be a serious impediment to your crying. First, try crying in front of the mirror: picture your enemies becoming successful and happy, that’s always worked for me.  After perfecting your cry in private, use a trial audience to test the believability of your grief. Food courts and bookstores are two great venues to unleash an unprovoked crying jag on civilians. 

Now that we’ve gone over the crying element of your funeral appearance let’s talk decorum. The goal of a funeral appearance should be to draw as much attention to your self as possible. A festive hat should do the trick, if that fails tell a few off-color jokes to a member of the bereaved family and wait for the accolades to pour in.

If asked to perform a eulogy, don’t be afraid, this is a perfect opportunity to show everyone how great a friend you are.  Make sure to focus on the parts of the deceased’s life that you directly influenced and try to minimize their accomplishments in lieu of your own.

One of the easiest ways to appear superior to someone is through character assassination. Inform the “grieving” audience of all the poor investment tips your dead friend gave you.  Try and link them with the attacks of September 11th and then make several patriotic claims.  Publicize any untoward sexual proclivities your friend may have had, if they didn’t have any simply make some up. Make veiled references to their pedophilia by saying things like “Dave, he just really enjoyed kids…”.  If the audience isn’t following you, say it while making a circle with your thumb and forefinger while repeatedly sticking your other forefinger through the hole.  They’ll catch your drift after that.

If the crying and the eulogy and your attire all fall flat, then try and fill the role of the deceased within their family. If his parents are still alive, become a petulant child and demand their attention. If the deceased has a son, bring a ball and glove for a game of catch. If a mother has passed you may have to breastfeed. You’re just going to have to play it by ear. 

Good luck.


Absolutely stellar

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