Hannah Star Spot the Freshman!

With every new school year comes a new batch of freshmen – nervous, wide-eyed, and moving around the college campus in skittering packs. The freshmen are a strange breed distinct from the rest of the student body. Encountering a first-year specimen can be a frightening, even dangerous experience if you don’t know the rules of interaction. Here’s a helpful guide to spotting freshmen, and instructions on how to deal with various freshman-related situations.

1) If you spot an anxious, dorky-looking kid tramping around with a knapsack the size of a small child, you’re looking at a certified freshman. I call this type of freshman Captain Keener. Other ways to identify Captain Keener are as follows: room keys on a lanyard round the neck; using a tray in the dining hall; and buying EVERYTHING – clothing, books, school supplies, bedding, even food – from the school book store. If you see a Captain Keener from afar, steer clear. There’s no cure for being an over-excited geek except coming to your own realization that you’re way less cool than everyone else. Let Captain Keener engage in his or her own process of discovery.

2) If you see a distraught, hyperventilating, frantic youngling hunched over his or her laptop at 4am in the library, it’s likely that you’ve spotted another breed of freshman: the Perfectionist. The Perfectionist has yet to realize that the grade on the first essay of the year does not determine one’s success or failure in college.

The Perfectionist also fears that failing to register for a specific class will shatter his or her opportunity to pursue a desired future career, and therefore completely and utterly destroy his or her life. "I might as well go kill myself now" they’re thinking. What do you when you come across the Perfectionist? Tell it to calm the fuck down. Invite it to a party. Give it a drink. Let it do a keg stand. Go nuts.

3) The third and final breed of freshman is also the most dangerous. I call her Jailbait. Jailbait is the girl who shows up at every frat and sorority party in zero clothing and a hundred percent willingness to hook up with anything that moves. There two ways to handle an encounter with jailbait. There’s no guaranteeing that Jailbait has reached the age of consent; if you don’t want to get your ass in jail for a drunken one night stand, leave Jailbait alone. On the other hand, if you want oral sex without having to ask, Jailbait is your new best friend.

Don’t worry – it’s okay to view freshmen as strange, unknown creatures from the deep. Keep these simple tips in mind when you hit your college campus this September, and you should be able to spot the freshies like a pro in no time.

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