Damir Pavelic A Straight Guy's Guide to Gay Men*

I always find it funny when a straight guy says something stupid about the gay or queer community like “that’s so gay “ or “does it hurt when it goes in?” or “who’s the man and who’s the woman?”, but then try and talk themselves out of the blame by saying “don’t worry about it, I have a gay friend.” 

To that I think, “so? What the hell do you know about the gay community?” and the answer, unsurprisingly, is usually nothing—straight men often know nothing about gay men. I actually feel that hetero guys know more about women, even though straights and gays have a lot in common - more than just a penis.

Let’s go over the basic mysteries of gay men and set some things “straight.” 

First of all, we aren’t all running around with limp wrists and bitchy lisps , with a nice foundation of Sephora . Even though some of us do (which is amazing--the gayer the better!), a large portion of the gay community doesn’t know how to shop for or apply makeup (even though shopping is a lot of fun). 

Although many gays swear off carbs and spend 6 days a week at the gym, it isn’t always to be a size 0. We’re there to get huge. Lots of gay guys are bouncers and heavy weight lifters (this gay included). In fact, nothing gives me more pleasure than being at the gym and watching a pair of straight boys struggle their way through a plate on each side of the bench, while I’m pumping 10 reps with 2 plates. 

The funniest questions I get from straight guys revolve around gay sex. Gays have dirty, sweaty, amazing sex. Does it hurt when it goes in? Sure, especially if he’s packing 10 inches, but it’s the same with a woman’s “cha cha.” Something that big is going to hurt at first, whether it's going into a guy's ass or a woman's vag. Like anything in life, practice makes perfect. And as far as anal sex goes, it feels great because when a man's hoo dilly goes in, it rubs against the prostate, which is what feels good when you’re cumming. 

And as far as butt play goes, rimming is the best thing ever . It can only be described as pleasure beyond words. What a lot of hetero guys don’t understand is that when you’re horny and ready to go, your anal sphincter gets aroused as well, and that’s the part you lick. “Tossing the salad” is misleading--if you’re sticking your tongue inside, then you’re doing it wrong. Just the same, it’s never a bad idea to freshen up in the shower first.

To make a long story short, there are lots of things that you might not understand, and probably don’t want to understand, but that’s ok, because... all you need to know is that gays have a lot of awesome hot sexy girlfriends , so befriend us , because at the end of the day we hold the key to your sex life.

 

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