Hello everyone. Yes, it is I- your next-door "akwardian” strategist. Today I will be touching on a topic that is very near and dear to us- or our buttholes for that (fecal) matter. For those of you who have lost friends over your antisocial asses, or those who have a tendency to destroy bathrooms with one mystical orifice of the body, here is a strategy guide on how to secretly poop… it’s the shit! Literally. Just follow these simple, fucking retarded tips, and you will be winking for no reason when you head to the bathroom from now on.
1. Location, location, location!
When setting the foundation of an uninterrupted and secretive poop, location is paramount. Make no mistake! Like any Brigadier- General will tell you, you must own the battlefield. DO use the secret bathroom no one knows about (the one that you discovered is hidden in the creepy janitors closet that one night when you decided to bring friends to the office after watching Batman Returns), or the bathroom that freaks the hell out of normal people. For example, that dungenous one with what appears to be blood stained floors, but you can’t really tell if it’s blood because of the shody flickering fluorescent light, and are too distracted because you totally just saw a black widow spider for reals this time. Yeah, use that bathroom.
If there is no satanic bathroom or janitor closet that you are aware of, just go to a bathroom on a different floor, preferably one with older people who a) are always shitting themselves, or b) are slightly ridiculous and no one really believes anything they say anyways because they smell like watery bread and ketchup and insist on using Corel Word on their office computers.
2. Master of disguise.
Now you need to hide your face. Yes, your face. I’m sorry, but fucking double-bag that shit up. If you want friends, and don’t like the idea of foster homes, you better learn how to hide and be totally ashamed of who you are as a person. It just comes with the territory. One easy and creative way in which to do so is to rotate the shoes you wear to the can so no one can recognize you from underneath the bathroom stall. Genius, no?! Another option is to invest in some horribly baggy and unapologetically drab hoodies, in which to hide the general shape of your body. If you are in a wheelchair, you will need to get a tarp. In fact, just don’t wear clothes from your own wardrobe. Hidden benefit: Wear the most obvious expression of clothing as donned by your arch nemesis for maximum public humiliation. Sunglasses and a fake accent never hurt. But under all circumstances, never make eye contact or conversation with anyone who enters the bathroom. And voila! You fucking hate yourself and are eerily invisible.
3. Practice your technique.
Like any authority figure that tried to brainwash you when you were younger will tell you: practice makes perfect. Therefore, embrace the inner shit ninja and evacuate at peak work periods like meetings, mass examinations, and workshops. No one will be the wiser…
If you are the handy, nerdy type that likes to fix clocks instead of not being a virgin, learn how to open the toilet lid to adjust the flow mechanism and flush time for epic flushing. You can thank me later.
4. Destroying the evidence.
Maybe this will be the beginning of your obsession with murdering people and hiding dead-people-parts, but destroying the evidence efficiently and effectively is a key step to undoing the antichrist apocalypse that wanted to epically emerge from your butt. Hand dryers and water faucets on full blast are a “classic” way to tame the unholy noises that may come out of your ass. A little bit of reconnaissance never hurts- make sure the bathroom has an air freshener and a plunger. Trust me on this one. If all else fails, deny everything and stalk anyone who knows the truth, only to threaten them with fire and physical death if they say anything.
In the end, if all else fails and you end up like Ben Affleck who got the short straw at the end of the movie Armageddon (really he should have died and not Bruce Willis… Liv Tyler can do so much better) apologize and make a joke. You don’t want people to think you’re neurotic after all….