Hana Shafi What Showers are Really For

I know showers are meant for making yourself squeaky clean, but even so there are probably a million other things I do in the shower that seem to take up way more of the time.

  1. Having an existential crisis. I don’t know what it is about standing under hot water, but it suddenly has you contemplating all this really serious, philosophical stuff. I’ve come up with about a dozen really wonky theories in the shower, only to leave the fortress of steam and realize I have no clue what the fuck I am talking about.
  2. Reciting imaginary dialogue. Yes, it sounds highly neurotic and crazy- okay, well it is a bit neurotic, but I know people do it. You suddenly think of all the harsh dramatic stuff you could’ve said in an argument or something incredibly witty and brilliant and the next thing you know you’re reciting it out loud in the shower, with full dramatic hand-gestures and all. 
  3. Literally just standing in the hot water for the sake of being cozy in hot water. This one’s big in the winter; I end up taking ridiculously long showers because of my lack of motivation to turn off the water and face the frigid cold outside. 
  4. Masturbating. I don’t think this one needs any explaining. Showers are ideal for masturbating, just don’t carried away and slip on the tiles. That’ll be a fun injury to explain to your coworkers. 
  5. Singing in the shower. This one’s a given. Rather than singing annoyingly addictive pop tunes, I always go for the really melodramatic ballads. Some particular favorites of mine are I Used To Love Him by Lauryn Hill and The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice. And, I’ll admit, the occasional Adele song here and there. 
  6. Inspecting all the crevices of your body. Beware of this one: you could end up spending ages just observing every inch of your skin and feeling strangely disillusioned by your body. 
  7. Going over your to-do list and having a mild freak out. Seriously don’t think about your to-do lists in the shower; showers should be relaxing especially if you don’t get much time to yourself through the rest of the day.
  8. And last but not least, on the good days, it’s all about acting sexy in the shower. Washing that hair seductively, lathering up your lady lumps. Most of the time my act-sexy-in-the-shower-time backfires because I get shampoo in my eyes and I end up spending the entire time flailing around. 

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