I’m sure many of you have been missing your weekly dose of L Woods. Obviously by “many” I mean all of you and don’t even pretend you didn’t notice I was M.I.A.
The reason for my disappearance is because it is summer, meaning I’m spending 8-15 hours a day serving beer to thirsty golfers rather than having a cool life like the rest of you lazy fuckers.
Over the last 3 years, I’ve served the same men the same beers every single day and they never seem to tire of them. I’ve noticed that you can tell a lot about a guy just by what he drinks. Here’s a short list of our most popular brews and what it says about their fanclub:
Coors: You’re unoriginal and you’ve probably been drinking this since your college days. Your tastes are underdeveloped and you’re a bit cheap.
Canadian: You’re better than Coors but still cheap. I’d probably make out with you.
Canadian 67: Bro, if you’re honestly concerned about your calorie intake, I can bring you a water.
Creemore: You’re a good, Canadian boy whose tastes are far more developed than your Molson-loving comrades. Call me.
Keith’s: Ew, stop.
Corona: It had better be summer and you better be on a beach or patio somewhere. If so, you’re kissable. If not, you’re a joke.
Guiness: The only head you’ll be getting is on your beer and there will be a hell of a lot of it because this beer is a bitch to pour and I’m not going to take the time to scoop it out.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: We get it, you’re a hipster. You’re stupid haircut gave it away. Don’t order this in a sports bar, and if you’re in our club, please exchange your ratty band t-shirt for a golf-shirt or we’ll ask you to leave.
Stiegl: You’re a little more worldly and original, although I’m not quite sure if you actually like the beer or just the cool glass that it comes in.
Black n Tan: Stop ordering this, it’s obnoxious. It’s annoying to pour and don’t be a prick if it isn’t layered properly. I’m busy, alright?
Turbo (also called a Rocket.): Totally acceptable if it’s hot out and you’re golfing. If you’re just chillin’ indoors, you look like a bitch who can’t handle a whole beer. Grow a pair.
These are just a few, if I missed your favorite, I can always be persuaded into doing a Part II.