1) Remember when you were super, super committed to the KONY 2012 campaign, and you forwarded the video to everyone on your contact list, but then you stopped hearing stuff about Kony when all of a sudden that whole Quebec tuition protest seemed way more entertaining and trendy? Well, newsflash: Joseph Kony didn’t simply stop existing when his name disappeared from your Facebook newsfeed. In fact, he’s probably still operating in Africa right now, mercilessly forcing innocent children to become brutal rebel soldiers. So no, it’s not that Joseph Kony suddenly went away; the truth is that you just stopped caring.
2) Mitt Romney became the official Republican nominee for the 2012 American presidential election. Lolz. Also, fun fact: as a devout Mormon, Romney had to make it through the entire GOP race without consuming any caffeine or alcohol. Lolz again. Finally, speaking of Mitt Romney, our friend Mitt Romney recently suggested that America's illegal immigration problem could be solved by "self-deportation." SUPER LOLZ!!!
3) Kristen Stewart got really upset when people started caring more about The Hunger Games than Twilight. Suddenly, there were more girls jizzing their pants over teenagers finding love amidst a sick, dystopian fight to the death than over a personality-less teenager finding love with a personality-less vampire. Many angsty, smoldering facial expressions on the part of Kristen Stewart ensued.
I just…don’t want to talk about Whitney Houston.
4) Europe is pretty much ending. The Eurozone is all like, “Come on, America! Help us out and give us some cash! How come you were into all that ‘world policing’ stuff right up until now?” And Obama’s all like, “Eurozone, you gotta figure that shit out.” So anyways, if you ever dreamed of seeing the Eiffel Tower, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Sagrada Familia, or the Parthenon, you should probably go in the next few months because seriously: Europe is pretty much ending.
I said I didn’t want to talk about Whitney, okay?!
5) Syria is also ending. While other Middle Eastern regimes that were challenged by rebellious uprisings made changes - to varying extents - in accordance with the people's will, the Syrian government, led by President Bashar al-Assad, continues to be a big whiny baby and is literally decimating its subjects. Innocent people are dying everyday as a result of the violent clashes between the government's forces and the rebel groups, and there doesn't seem to be anything that Team America, World Police can do about it. You may have a month or two left to travel to Europe, but it is now probably too late for you to ever travel to Syria.
6) Also, a whole bunch of really weird shit happened involving the dismemberment, mailing, and/or consumption of human bodies – involving and not involving the use of bath salts. First there was Luka Magnotta, the psychotic attention-whore who uploaded a video of him murdering and dismembering a male Montreal student. Though not on bath salts, Magnotta subsequently mailed the body parts to the Canadian conservative government and a school in British Columbia. But speaking of bath salts, you know who was on bath salts? That crazy guy who ate a homeless man’s face in Miami. You know who else was on bath salts? That university student who killed his roommate and ate his internal organs. As a result, sales at Bath and Body Works have spiked in the past four weeks, and people are also questioning whether or not we are currently witnessing the initial phases of a full-scale zombie apocalypse. These are strange times, my friend.
It’s hard to say what the second half of the year will bring. Will we survive? I mean, there’s still time for the world to end á la Mayan calendar. And even if those Mayan predictions turn out to be bogus, there’s still the chance of a bath salts-motivated zombie apocalypse. So, my friends, I wish you luck, and….god dammit, COME BACK, WHITNEY!!! COME BACK!!!!!!!