Don Harris Donny Don't's Dating Diaries

So I signed up for Plenty of Fish the other day.. I’d heard peeps talk about a big game about this “internet dating” phenomenon. For years, I’d heard em’, since way back in 2005... back when the beers were still fresh, the company was fast, and... damn.. I lost my train of thought. Ah, yes that sweet summer of ‘05, out in the tall grass.

I used to work with this guy who dated internet chicks all the time. These were girls that were hot and slutty. They had tattoos. They were the type of girls who would say that they were from Toronto but would actually be from Brampton or Mississauga or some bullshit like that. Nevertheless my buddy( buddy is strong- we mowed lawns together unfortunately not in a sexual way) was cleaning the fuck up. I couldn’t believe it. He would go to Montreal on the weekend to nail some girl he met online or else get a blowie in the washroom at Moxie’s on a Tuesday night through some web trickery. He was from Mississauga or some bull.

This guy was a beauty. He had a tattoo on his right shin of an owl with Double D breasts that said “HOOTERS” under it in banner form like an old sailor’s regrettable shanty woman souvenir. He also had a tattoo that said “judo chop” written in what looked like felt marker on the side of his hand. I was convinced that he was a few knives short of a set but he could mow a lawn straighter than I could ( it’s hard when you’re drunk in the morning every day). According to this guy- let’s call him “Dick”- he nailed hot chicks like every other night. He was a good chef; posted all the meals he made on Facebook as if he’d just visited the Taj Mahal. Maybe that was part of it..

Anyway Dick, one day, lent me a seminal book. That book was called “The Game” and it was about PUA’s (pick up artists) who plied their “trade” in LA and came up with all these increase your dating website scams and shit. I read the book in about six hours and learned important PUA terminology like “peacocking” and “sarging” and “being a dick to women for fun and profit”. This book did not help me pick up chicks by using the “cocky and funny” technique. Instead, it made me stop reading shitty non-fiction books for about a year. I also subscribed to these online dating tips to “double my dating” ran by this joker David DeAngelo. DeAngelo had some good tips that pretty much amounted to squat if your collar wasn’t popped. This was back in the days before internet porn. Oh wait, no it wasn’t.

It was round about the time a guy who was trying real hard to be an asshole named Mark Zuckerberg figured out how to spy on hot chicks in slutty digs like the Wicked Witch of the West. This, I believe, rendered internet dating not ineffective per se but simply unnecessary for college kids even if you spent most of your time in your dorm room. You could still jump out of the bushes to accost women based on a picture you saw of a class they were in, believe you me.

Nevertheless, you can’t argue with the effectiveness of online dating. Facebook really blew the door open on that one even as a sort of competitor.  One out of three relationships I’ve heard go beyond an internet setting to a coffee shop or perhaps even a bar. Some people even come to enjoy each other’s company.Thank the sweet lord that a website can order my preferences and attributes so that I can find a girl who is “compatible” and not have to have any pesky small talk conversations. Internet dating is like a big bar where everyone gets to pick whether they want the lights on or off and the drinks are free , or hell, you could just pound energy drinks and dry hump. There’s mad hot chicks on there too, bro! My buddy is going to marry a girl he met online and he met her when he was on house arrest for criminy’s sake. She’s hot and as far as he knows she’s never had to go to real jail either!

I’ve not been in college for a spell now and jilted, bitter and desperate for human contact , I’ve returned to those elite echelons of the PUAs for spiritual guidance. Being that I am broke as a joke, I lean towards things that are free and POF ( as users and hip high school guidance counselors call it) is exactly that. Sure, the PUA’s didn’t pick up chicks online; they went to high end clubs and jacuzzi grottos and shit but they had money damn it! As either Trey Parker in Baseketball or Al Pacino in Scarface put it- I can’t remember which- “first you get the khakis, then you get the girls.”

Back in the day I used to have a rough time with the PUA’s concept of being “cocky and funny” at the same time. I remember one salient piece of advice for picking up chicks which was to insult them in some minor way, like, “did you pick that hat out yourself?” and wait for their shock and insecurity to morph into desire and attraction. I can’t really think of any good relationship I’ve had that started in this vein but I can definitely think of some bad, brief, ones. Like fifteen seconds brief with a drink in your face. See, I always got the mix of cocky and funny patently  askew so that I would be either so cocky that I was a dick or so funny that I was either a sad weirdo or perfect friend material. The problem is, now I’ve become an arrogant asshole and that doesn’t seem to work either. There’s a war between the sad weirdo and the arrogant asshole in me, my shrink says but he strikes me as a child molester anyway.

In any case, in the spirit of potential sexual congress but most likely just some shrimp poppers and another drink in the face, I’ve come up with a profile that I feel showcases the finer points of my wit and social capability as well as my leanings towards, oh, let’s say thriftiness. Here’s my mission statement:

Hey there,

My mom always said a boy needs a hobby. Actually that's what Norman Bates' mom said in Psycho. Anyway my hobbies include falconry, taxidermy, skeet shooting, and ham radio. From time to time I edit this online magazine about jerking off and stuff.

No, but seriously, I'm pretty much down to try anything new, anytime, anywhere as long as it costs less than twenty three dollars. That's my adventure per diem. I have a whip and this cool Indiana Jones hat and satchel also. When I was a kid I liked dinosaurs and I guess I still do. Hey, can we go to the Museum?

Or we could go to the Art Gallery.. or the Bata Shoe Museum. I heard chicks, sorry women, are into that sort of thing. Sounds gay, but me too. Not gay in a homo way but gay in a merry milquetoast kind of way, you know, like Niles from Frasier. I fancy myself more of a Kelsey Grammar, though, I can play the piano and toss salad and scramble eggs..

Let's go to a bar and listen to some music. I know some spots.”

I haven’t gotten any hollers yet but if you want, ladies, you can email me at donnywabash@gmail.com.

Stay tuned for the first installment , “date debriefing” if you will, of “ Donny Don’t’s Dating Diaries”
which will most likely not come as a result of this article, lolz.

Comments

Fuck I love this article... 
So poignant, so elegant. 

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