Kyle Towers How to Date: The First Date

How to date you ask? Well creating the perfect first date for a woman is easy.
In case you can’t sense sarcasm from a seemingly legitimate written sentence with otherwise no hints of sarcasm -- I was being sarcastic

The more I tried to think of the perfect first date for a woman, the more I realized that such an event will probably never come to pass. Unlike a man, a woman isn’t convinced by her sexual organs alone. She is a complex being and relies on her mind, soul, heart, gut, senses (including the sixth), the presence of ‘sparks’, ‘butterflies’, and ‘goosebumps’, mother’s wisdom, advice from Cosmo Magazine, fortune teller’s insights, and coordination of said items with her best girlfriend(s) who will be updated on the date via text.

If then and only then all of the aforementioned phenomena lineup you just might succeed. In order for this to come to fruition, it is recommended you consider the following:

The Preparation

First dates are a lot like interviews; research common questions that may be asked and come up with clever answers before the date even starts. Below I’ve given an example dialogue of common questions/comments and appropriate responses for your benefit.

Her: “So like, what do you do?”
You: “Nothing, I plan on marrying rich. (Pause for laughter) No, I’m an architect.”
Her: “Do you work out?”
You: “Why don’t you ask my biceps?”
(This is where you would flex your biceps)
Her: “You totally look like this guy I know.”
You: “He must be one handsome mother fucking son of a bitch.”

The Itinerary

Over the course of the date, constant changes of scenery and atmosphere are important. You want her to be in continuous state of confusion and intrigue. If you stay in one spot for too long, she will begin to over think things and this will rarely end in your favour. The hazards of ‘overthink’ are irreparable.

The Company

If you aren’t some boss prince like Prince Harry with a nation’s tax dollars at your leisurely disposal, you are fighting an uphill battle. You will need to overcompensate all flaws with distractions and slight of hands. Alcohol and magic are both useful here.

To Pay or Not to Pay?

She is a 21st century woman and will likely offer to split the bill- this could be a trap. In my experiences, it is dependent on her age bracket.

Younger: Pay
Same age: Try to split
Older: Wait to see if she’ll pay


The Conversations

Keep yourself slightly mysterious by being very pithy. Let her do most of the talking and have her know that you value her opinion.

The Follow-up

A simple text message the next day explaining how lovely the evening was and an expressed interest in seeing her again works wonders. That whole wait three days theory is bullshit. Most women have a biological defense mechanism that will have you erased from her memory within 24 hours.

Do I kiss her at the end?

Always! There are a lot of reasons why this is so, but the most important one is you get some action out of it.

When do I put my penis into her vagina?

Soon, my friend... Like a perpetual motion machine, just continue to outdo yourself for the rest of the dates leading up to inception.

Well, there you have it, gents! Although most of my dates end in disaster, trauma and irreconcilable differences, I believe I understand the theory of creating the perfect first date (I just haven’t been able to practise it correctly yet). And so, I invite you to go forth into the world with my teachings on how to date and date great!

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