L Woods L Woods' Guide to Getting Over a Breakup

So…it actually happened. You finally broke up with your long time significant other, or perhaps they even broke up with you. Either way, it’s finished, caput, done, over for good and now you have to somehow find a way to live your life without that one person who was basically your other half for however long the two of you were together. 

For many, breakups are an end of an era. Breakups are a time to sit around in dirty sweats burying your feelings in week old pizza – just kidding, that pizza never had a chance, didn’t even last a solid half hour, pints of ice cream, or drowning your sorrows in a bottle of vodka while listening to Taylor Swift on repeat. I say, this needs to stop, and not just because I can’t stand Taylor Swift and can’t eat pizza.

Breakups are not an end. Okay, they kind of are, but they’re more of an awesome beginning so that’s obviously the part you need to focus on. Breakups are the beginning of a new era for you, one filled with more time to focus on yourself and less time being nagged to check in when you stumble home from the bar.

Here is an L Woods approved guide to getting over a breakup:

STEP ONE: ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance is key, my friend. Many people go through a few awkward months of denial that the breakup really occurred. Or, worse, they do the whole on-again/off-again thing because both sides are having a hard time moving on but an even harder time staying together, so they actually end up breaking up four times instead of just one.

Accept it the first time it happens: it’s over. Done forever. You’re way too young to do the whole on-again/off-again bullshit, it’s a waste of your time. Chances are, in five years you’ll wish you had spent more time being single and having fun…because you’ll be married and hating your life. Enjoy being single as much as possible until the sad, scary institution of marriage pulls you into it’s hideous grasp.

STEP TWO: BREAKUP SEX.

This step is the most fun, however, it is not – I repeat – NOT to be done with your ex. Breakup sex with your ex is the worst possible thing you can do. I know you’re used to it and it’s no longer embarrassing if you bust your load in under five minutes, it’s the after part that will get you. You’re used to fucking her brains out for however long you can hold out for, and then spooning the rest of the night away. When you’re fresh off a breakup and full of all of these gross, emotional feelings, not being able to cuddle her after sex is going to destroy your soul.

Instead, have sex with hot strangers. Make sure they’re hotter than your ex. Get drunk, get them drunk, and then fuck until you forget your own name. It’s even better if you never learn theirs in the first place. The point of breakup sex is not to recreate what you had with your ex – it’s to remember all the hot, nasty things that were missing from your sex life while you were still with them. Get down and dirty, hunny.

STEP THREE: GET HOT.

I know you think you’re hot now, but you can always be hotter. I have no idea why people think sitting around in disgusting, shapeless, stretchy pants and wearing no makeup is a good thing to do after a breakup. It’s a terrible idea. If you choose to go down that road, you will get fat, and you will run into your ex and their new slam piece and you will be wearing period underwear, a greasy ponytail, and an extra fifteen pounds around your middle when it happens.

Way to get back at your ex, fatso.

Instead of taking your sadness and frustration out on the grocery store dessert aisle, take it out on the treadmill at the gym. Get those endorphins going. Run until the only chest pain your feeling is not from a broken heart, but from too much cardio and you basically die.

Okay, maybe don’t die, but work on your fitness. You’re single now, remember?

STEP FOUR: GET NEW STUFF.

Throw out anything and everything that your ex gave you or anything that even reminds you of them. Unless it’s jewelry – sell that shit and buy yourself something new and pretty. I can never understand why people keep momentos of their exes in a dusty old box under their bed. That’s not sentimental, that’s just sad. What are you gonna do? Take out the box five years from now after downing a bottle of wine and cry over the concert ticket stubs? Not cute.

Now is a good time to revamp your wardrobe. Go shopping and buy new clothes that will make you feel good. Maybe it’s the shopaholic in me but nothing makes me happier than seeing my hard earned money end up in the hands of my favorite retailers.  The great thing about being single is that you can spend all of your money on you! No one is sucking your bank account clean more often than they were sucking your dick anymore. That money is all yours.

STEP FIVE: GET OVER IT.           

It’s time. It’s time to get back out there. I’m not saying start dating or start looking for your next significant other, but start having fun nights out that don’t end with you calling your ex at 2am while hammered and leaving them slurred voicemails that they’d need actual subtitles to understand. Go out with your friends and stop mentioning your ex’s name, they’ll be impressed. Realize that your life will go on, it will get better, and it won’t hurt forever.

BONUS STEP: STRIPPERS.

If you need to talk to someone, some strippers are very good listeners. Sometimes they even let you caress their tatas while they listen to your sob stories. Strip clubs are a great way to get over a breakup because they remind you that there are girls out there who are hotter and freakier than your ex and they’ll get naked for you without you having to buy them dinner first. Isn’t it more fun shoving money into a girl’s thong rather than into your ex’s palm so she can buy another lipstick? I thought so.

 

Follow these steps and you’ll be back to your old self in no time. Remember that committing yourself to one person is never a good idea. The best way to never feel these painful emotions that you’re feeling right now ever again? Stop getting into relationships in the first place! You’re welcome. I’m off to go become a marriage counselor now.

XOXOXOXOX

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