L Woods L Woods Guide to a Great Halloween...and Sex!

Remember back in the day when you were a wee tot and you got so excited to go out trick-or-treating every year? Halloween was all about finding the perfect costume and getting the most candy. Then...you lost your virginity (hopefully) and things changed. Halloween is still about finding the best costume, sure, but gone are the innocent days of dressing up without getting upset because your best friend's cleavage looks better than yours or trying to find places in your costume to stash condoms and a joint. October 31st may have lost its' innocence, but it didn't lose the fun. In fact, I think it's looking better than ever. If Halloween was a person, I totally fuck him. Sadly, he isn't real so you have to search elsewhere if you wanna get laid. Thankfully, this year it falls on a Wednesday, which means you can party the weekend before and the weekend after in costumes, it's totally acceptable. L Woods is the queen of having a good time, here's how you can make the most out of your Halloween weekend and hopefully get it in:

There are two types of girls in this world: those who dress like skanks on Halloween and those who don’t. Of course there are many different subcategories that follow but these are the two biggies.

The first group of girls is awesome because they understand what October 31st is truly about. They know that it’s the one night where they can get away with showing off cleavage, legs, shoulders, and midriff. (FYI boys, and girls who weren’t aware, fashion rules state that you can only ever show off one of these options at a time – so ladies, please stop wearing crop tops and daisy dukes – unless of course, you’re being her for Halloween.) So obviously this night is a very big deal and is not to be taken lightly.

These girls also understand that one of the best parts about being a girl is getting to get all made up and dressed up and then parading around showing off how hot you are. Sure, it’s nice to hear that you’re cool, funny, smart, or super nice but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy people staring at you like you’re the hottest fucking thing they’ve ever seen.

The second group of girls – those who choose to dress modestly on Halloween, or yikes choose not to partake at all, generally fall into two main categories: fat chicks and feminists. Perhaps they’re even a mixture of both.

The fat chick’s worst nightmare is having to try and look hot in a midriff bearing shirt and booty-grazing skirt in a room full of hot, skinny, slutty nurses/French maids/librarians etc. Those who have the guts (no pun intended) to show off what they’ve got, even if it is a little extra, should be commended. I always love seeing a girl who’s able to love her God-given shape.

Then of course there are the feminists who refuse to dress up because they don’t “feel the need” to sink that low. They think Halloween has become another occasion where men get to objectify women, and women act in such a way that it takes society back 50 years.

They’d also rather be noticed for their mind and not for their scantily clad body. Blah blah blah all I hear when people say that is “I don’t think I’m capable of looking hot so I’m going to pretend like I don’t even want to try.”

Let’s be honest, it’s Halloween, people are horny, and if they have the chance to chat up the sexy cop carrying around fuzzy handcuffs or the girl who is fully clothed and looking like Thelma from Scooby-Doo, the choice is pretty obvious.

Like I said, it’s Halloween, show a little tit or get the fuck out.

While we’re on the subject of showing off the goods, here are a few DO’s and DON’Ts for Halloween:

For the Girls:

DO: Know your best assets. I mean really, if you’ve got great tits, let the girls come out and play. Try a corset to get them as high and perky as possible. If you have great legs, wear a super short skirt or some little booty shorts to show them off. If you have an amazing ass go for a tight skirt to show off its’ shape, or some little denim shorts. On Halloween, always be thinking shorter, tighter, and hotter.

That being said….

DO: Know your weaknesses. We can’t all have bodies like Miranda Kerr or Kate Upton (sadly, ugh.) which means most of us have one part of our body that we’d prefer – or should – keep a little more covered up. Thankfully, there are ways to hide flaws and cover up that are still ridiculously hot. For example, if you don’t like your abs, don’t wear a boring tank top, wear a corset. It sucks you in, shows off your tatas, and is so sexy. Speaking of sexy, thigh high stockings are by far the sexiest invention – ever. If you don’t like your legs, wear thigh high stockings and let a bit of the lace at the top peak out below your skirt. People will stare. It’s so fucking hot. Even if you have great legs, consider wearing over the knee stockings. Guys fucking dig that shit. Also it’s October….brr.

Just remember ladies that everyone has great tits and ass so don’t even try to cover those up!

DON’T: Wear Spanx if you plan on getting laid. Nothing kills the mood faster than watching you peel off skin-coloured, full body length granny panties. It’s nearly impossible for shape wear to be sexy. Embracing your natural shape, on the other hand, is always sexy.

DO: Have sex. Halloween is like a free pass for everyone to have a one-night stand. Ladies, keep in mind that your choice of costume very well could be someone’s all time biggest fantasy so make his dreams come true! Now L Woods goes into Mamma Bear mode and wants to remind you to be smart. Nothing is worse than getting herpes and not being able to have sex anymore! But still…have sex.

DON’T: Sleepover. It’s easy enough to spot the walk-of-shame on a Sunday morning but please, please don’t be the sexy kitty on the subway at 9am this Sunday. Call a fucking cab. Don’t make the rest of us girls who managed to get ourselves home that night look at you like you’re an embarrassment.

DON’T: Force your boyfriend to go as a lame couple costume. You might think it’s soooo cute to go as Fred and Wilma or some shit but really, it’s emasculating and he will resent you for it. If you want to win the award for girlfriend of the year, don’t tell him what you’re being ahead of time, then show up to the party dressed as his ultimate fantasy girl. He’ll have no choice but to drool over your hot ass all night. It’ll be super hot foreplay and will lead to much hotter sex than you’re Edward and Bella costumes ever could.

For the Guys:

DO: Bring condoms. Okay, now that I’ve done my part and convinced the girls that they need to have sex, you need to provide the protection. Keep in mind that the girls are wearing as little clothing as possible so they have nowhere to put any foil packages. You have the penis, you bring the condoms, otherwise you aren’t getting laid.

DON’T: Settle early. If you show up to the party a little earlier and make a bee-line for the sexy nurse who’s already hammered, your night is going to end in her puking all over her costume and you carrying her home. Relax. You will have plenty of opportunities to get it in. You don’t need to fall all over the first slutty girl you see. Wait until you see all of your options and then decide whether you want to go for the sexy leopard, slutty smurf, or the tits on the couch over there dressed like a mouse.

DO: Dress up. There’s no bigger turn-off than a guy who thinks he’s too cool to dress up. You aren’t. You look like a fucking loser. It’s Halloween, even the simplest of costumes will do. Plus you’re gonna feel like an idiot when all of your friends are dressed up and you get to be the guy taking pictures that night because no one wants you in them.

DO: Bring a warm jacket. Not for you, for the girl you’re bringing home. See, we girls like to get drunk enough to not have to wear a jacket over our costume before the party. It kills the look, we want to look hot the whole time. But once 3am hits and we’re ready to leave and we want to be cozy. So, hand over your jacket hunny.

DO: Tell girls they look hot. You don’t need to get super creepy and start catcalling in the street. Just simply tell her that her costume is wonderful and that she looks hot. We put a lot of effort into these tiny costumes, so we like to hear that they are working.

DON’T: Get grabby. Okay so I’ve talked about how girls like to be stared at for being really fucking sexy, but nowhere have I said it’s okay to grab a girl just because she’s dressed like a slut. Keep your hands off unless she says it’s okay. No, we aren’t “asking for it” by dressing this way, we’re hot and we’re allowed to show it off without you thinking you’re entitled to grab our ass. Just know that if you decide to get bold and a little “hands-on,” she’s going to kick your ass with her stilettos and no one is going to stop her.

So there you have it. Follow these rules, add in a bottle of wine and a good house party, and you're all set for the perfect Halloween weekend. Dress up, get drunk, act like a slut, and get laid! That's what Halloween is all about. I hope you all have Sunday booked off for your Hallo-Hangover.



Well, this "article" is full of contradictions. How embarrassing.

I thought the same thing. Sometimes it's hard to be bitchy with a nice streak. I totally try to sound like a nice person but it's really difficult and doesn't come naturally to me.

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