Hannah Star OMG! It's Spring Break!

Canadians really get the short end of the stick when it comes to university holidays. What is it that Canadian schools get in February? A reading week? That sounds like a lot of fun – especially the part about remembering that you have midterms as soon as you get back to school. It seems to me that reading week means sitting on your parents’ couch for seven days straight asking yourself why, exactly, you ever thought it was a good idea to take organic chemistry. 

And then there’s the American Spring Break: the holiday that Canadian students only dream of. Before I started college, I was in the same boat. I always thought of it as some mystical, two-week-long holiday that somehow transcended the limits of social acceptability and – well – laws, in general. It seemed like it took place on another planet, inhabited entirely by girls with tanned skin and bikinis that disappeared somewhere between their butt cheeks. Spring Break was a myth. It was a chupacabra. 

Seeing as I’m now a seasoned college pro, did you think I was going to confess to having discovered that Spring Break actually does exist, and that I’ve spent the past three of them showing off my tits to unruly crowds of men holding beer funnels? Think again. The only think that I’ve discovered about Spring Break in my four years of college is that it’s just as elusive now as it ever was, and I’m beginning to wonder whether or not every girl I’ve ever seen on Girls Gone Wild is just a paid actor. Or a robot. 

And yet, according to lots shitty reality TV specials that I’ve seen, plane-loads of mindless American college students still flock to these destinations every March. But there’s no way that a two-week-long stint of public sex, nudity, and substance abuse can be naturally appealing to the throngs of college students that do, apparently, go down there. I mean, I don’t know a single person who’s heading down to Florida or Mexico for Spring Break. I don’t even know a single person who flipped through a glossy brochure that advertised heading down to Florida or Mexico for Spring Break. Most of the people I know have other plans, like visiting their families, or interviewing for summer jobs. Or not spending their non-existent income on a plane ticket to a two-week-long drink fest. So if students aren’t inherently attracted to the idea of Spring Break, A-MUR-ican Style, why does it still exist? And what kind of people are actually there? Most importantly, are they the kind of people to whom you’d actually want to be offering your vagina?

I’ve come to the conclusion that American Spring Break continues to exist because of a completely illogical vicious cycle. The more it’s seen advertised in shitty episodes of MTV’s The Real World, the more college kids believe that it’s something they’re supposed to be interested in and flock down to various tropical destinations. And the more the college kids flock down to the tropical destinations, get drunk, and show their balls on live television, the more the other kids sitting at home think, “gee, that seems like a pretty cool thing to do next year.” Thus, Spring Break never actually formed organically. It was never comprised of a group of students who genuinely wanted to spend their two-week holiday having drunken sex on plastic pool chairs.

American Spring Break is a fabricated myth that only exists in the context of itself. And low-budget pornos.

I just have a hard time believing that anybody genuinely WANTS to be publically intoxicated for two weeks straight – a time period inevitably characterized by sloppy drunken sex, nights spent kneeling next to the toilet (or kiddie pool), and the constant pressure to show your tits to massive crowds of people. 

If you find yourself on the touristy beaches of Miami or Punta Cana this March, ask any wasted, bikini-clad girl why she’s actually there, and there’s a good chance she’s look around vacantly, blink a few times, and find herself completely incapable of providing you – or herself – a satisfactory answer (this might also be due to the fact that she just took eleven shots from between another girl’s boobs, but you get the idea).

Still don’t believe me that nobody actually wants to do a full-out Spring Break? Still thinking that it might be a great way to spend your next March? Here are some other ways in which the myth of the American Spring Break is totally false:

1)      It will not, in fact, be a life-altering experience (except, maybe, that you’ll need a liver transplant afterwards). Because of vast amounts of alcohol consumption, you will likely not remember your Spring Break. Once it’s over, it’ll feel like it never happened. So...it may as well have never happened.

2)      If you go on Spring Break, you might die. Like than blonde girl who was in the news, who went on Spring Break, and died.  

3)      There is no mandatory STD testing for Spring Break.

      But despite my efforts at revealing the truth about American Spring Break, the myth still carries on. Spring Break is probably a multi-million-dollar industry that makes its money off people thinking it’s what they’re supposed to want to do. So, Canadians, enjoy your reading week. You shouldn’t be jealous of the American Spring Break because – well – I promise you only THINK you’re jealous.

***Also,THIS PHOTO is hilarious. I found it on a website advertising Spring Break travel packages. Look at the faces of each person. Nobody is actually happy. Especially the guy on the far right. I died.


Drinking directly ceeffts the liver. If you want to drink ,stop the detox and wait a few weeks and start again . Don't over tax your liver. Mixing the two you might find that you will have flu like symptoms.

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