Owen Leskovar The Truth About Online Dating

Having perks is a big bonus to a job. That 40% off of your Rogers plan may be part of what keeps you toiling away week after week, and getting a sweet deal on clothes you like is is virtual cash in your pocket every season. What about free porn in the workplace? A breakroom littered with magazines that make Playboy look like Better Homes and Gardens (and Sans look like Esquire.) Bosses that encourage you to check out leery craigslist personals as "research," and where 12-inch dildos are used as paperweights. Welcome to the world of adult website profile-writing.

 Well it turns out that casual, no-strings-attached-sex is mostly a male-dominated market. Women-apparently-don't really want to pay $30/ month to be solicited sex by strange men with anal fixations.

So you know those big name sex sites like adultfriendfinder.com? They came about because no one pays for pornography anymore: there's just too much of the free stuff available online. The only solution is to sell the potential for more than just pics and vids.

For less than the price of a hooker, you get a harem! That's how its supposed to be, anyway.Well it turns out that casual, no-strings-attached-sex is mostly a male-dominated market. Women-apparently-don't really want to pay $30/ month to be solicited sex by strange men with anal fixations. Of course, no man wants to pay to be alone in a sea of disturbed fetishism either, so what is an evil porn empire to do? Pay people like me to invent that virtual harem and entice those frustrated gentleman to pay for exclusive tickets.

So what I do is sit down at my desk, and open up my folder of pictures. No one knows where they come from, but we receive dozens of pics a night and set to work putting fetishes to faces, desires to double Ds. It isn't hard. The only rules are "no rape fantasies" and "try to minimize the scat." Each girl, from the clearly fake supermodels to the BBWs get around 10 sentences.

Some girls want their feet fucked, others, their ass eaten (like ice cream). Some dom, some sub. A few like golden showers, and there are even the elusive ones who lost a bet with their roommate, and now she has to be present while you fuck, to learn some "secret personal move." About half are just regular girls looking for discrete sex away from their hubby, or just searching for love in the worst possible place. Most of the ridiculous profiles we make get rejected, but sometimes one is so absurd that the QA guys let it through anyway (and even give it gold status to increase its exposure for posterity's sake.) Take the following gem:

fatb0tt0medgirl

Do me in a car

Description: I want to be done in a car. I saw this movie once called The Matrix, and in it there's this great love scene between Matrix and Trinity, and they both are in a car and she sticks her hand down his pants and jerks him off. It's so good. 

Looking For: I want to recreate that scene from Matrix. You must wear tight leather, have a mohawk, and have a pair of sunglasses like Agent Matrix. Must have a big penis and a fishy stare.

I don't even know what a fishy stare is.

There are whispered rumors that somewhere, people are paid to respond to the messages these fake profiles get, and even engage in IM conversations, but we've never seen them. In the end, it's Internet 101 all over again, and elementary rules are sometimes the truest of all. You never REALLY know what's on the other side of the screen...and it's probably a naked fat guy.

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