Make it Rain on them hoes
In Favour of Making it Rain on them Hoes*
Everybody knows the first lines of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be prepared to make it rain on them hoes.” That’s right, men: Jane Austen was okay with it, and I’m okay with it, too. If you’ve got money to spend and you’re all up in the club, it is arguably acceptable to throw money at any or all of the ladies you’d like to take home with you. It’s undoubtedly a tried and true method for landing the hook-up.
I mean, didn’t you ever wonder why Elizabeth Bennet went from hating Mr. Darcy’s guts to totally loving him? Austen obviously left out the part of the book when Darcy and Elizabeth were all up in the club and Darcy gently lobbed shillings at Elizabeth’s head. After that, she just couldn’t deny his charm.
Of course, every feminist bone in my body is telling me that I should say “no” to making it rain on them hoes. After all, one might argue that throwing money at women re-enforces the notion of women as economic commodities to be bought and sold, and is a totally objectifying activity that belittles women’s capacity to think and act for themselves.
However, the other bones in my body are forcing me to consider, instead, one of my most important life mottos: “Use your resources.” When I go out, I really have one mission: get as drunk as possible while spending as little money as possible. In that case, “using my resources” means relying on other people to buy me drinks, regardless of whether or not it re-enforces the patriarchal commodification of women. I just wanna get my drank on, ya know? I don’t care how a man goes about giving me the money: he could just buy the drink for me; he could place it in my hand; or he could full on make it rain. I do not care, as long as it results in a cranberry vodka for this hoe. So you wanna make it rain on them hoes? Go for it.
But what about when the notion of making it rain on them hoes transfers from the dance floor to the bedroom? Admittedly, before I carried out a closer investigation, I believed that making it rain on them hoes meant cumming in a girl’s face. Even though I now know that it means showering girls with money, I really think that my presumed definition should also apply. Why not?
Again, I’m gonna have to give the thumbs up to making it rain on them hoes, this time bedroom style. Surprisingly, I don’t see it as degrading. I definitely don’t see it as “I’m a worthless piece of shit, please cum in my face to show how little you care about me as a human being.” Rather, from the woman’s perspective, I see it as, “you are so attractive, and I appreciate every part of your body so much, and I am going to express my attraction to you by allowing you to deposit your slimiest of bodily fluids onto my face.” The act does not have to express one partner’s dominance over another; rather, it can be an act that solidifies a bond of mutual attraction between two partners. Plus, it’s super hot.
So, everybody, in the words of Fat Joes this time, y'all better grab your umbrellas, because I'ma make it rain.
Who will Stop the Rain?*
Webster’s dictionary defines “making it rain on them hoes” as the act or action of inducing a rainstorm on a group of gardening equipment. HAHAHAHA LAUGH! LAUGH AT MY JOKE!!!
But seriously folks, you should never go to any establishment and spend inordinate amounts of money on anyone (let alone a girl who is obvi a cootie magnet).
Here’s what you want as a man: A light smattering of conversation, maybe a drink or two, and then to seizure on top of her while you’re both naked until you arrive. Then, you want the ability to be far away from her and every other human being the second after you come.
Here’s what they want as women: ???????????!!
So as you can see, there’s a bit of a dichtomony between men's and women's desires. Traditionally we’ve followed a formula of man chases and woos woman until woman relents and fucks him. I say as men we should reject this formula. We have so much access to sex that ‘real live’ women are becoming expendable. We can watch porn, or go to a circle jerk with our friends…(that’s right ladies, it happens all the time). If you really need a lady, at least spend a lower amount by getting an Asian massage or buying a filthy hooker for an hour. After all, as noted feminist Gloria Steinem once said, “women are commodities to be bought and sold on the whim of men.” Just be sure not to make it rain on them hoes. A slight drizzle is fine.
Until we stop making it rain on them hoes, both men and women will conform to the kind of gender stereotypes that feminists are always complaining about anyways. It’s odd to me that the same women who believe in “girl power” will scoff at you if you don’t buy them a drink or pick up a tab. While these supposed feminists are busy defining what it means to be a strong, powerful woman, they seem to keep a pretty antiquated view of what it means to be a man. They're all “We should all be equal” one minute, and “OMG Angela, he didn’t even pay for dinner”(bitchy girl voice) the next.
Also, if we’re referring to “making it rain on them hoes” as coming all over a girls face, don’t. Don’t do it. Even if she says to, don’t. It will always end up in her eyes and she will cry. And there is nothing worse than having a girl cry in front of you while you have half a boner.